Now that it's winding down to Sunday night, hangover day +2 after NYE, over indulgence has taken it toll. A solid month and a half of holiday eating, drinking and self medicating is has finally cut into the Friends and Acquaintances O' Mine. The season of annoyance has begun, whence all they who have sinned atone. Sort of a secular Lent, nearly. Will they repair themselves earnestly, quietly, mindfully and formost pledge to over indulge no more from this point forth? Perhaps that last bit, but with intelligence and silence, hell no.
It will be broadcast FROM THE HILL, to EVERY MOUNTAIN TOP, SUNG PRAISE FROM THE STEEPLES. Please, people. You're bright, which is why i am pleased to call you friend, but this stupid has to stop.
Pseudoscience reigns with an iron grip this time of year. Feeling like hell, skin pocked with the markings of holiday indulgence, hungover; neigh still drunk, the research begins. Oh, seeker, you need to cleanse, realign your energy, becomes a new and transformed creature.
First off we have our buddy This glorious MLM empire promises a glorious weight loss and cleanse in 9 miraculous days. MLM is shorthand for Multi Level Marketing.. or before it was rebranded, a pyramid scheme in the best of Amway tradition. Yeah, yeah, everyone knows someone who made bank selling Amway shite. However, no one seems to know anyone who didn't or got even more broke schilling the KoolAid. It's called embarrassment. Wager you don't know many people that extol the virtues of their Viagra use, or how Fiber One cereal really gives you a solid regular crap, either, huh?
Master Cleanse: A fine non profit organization who happily gives their information away for free. They really do believe that this is The Way, The Truth, and The Light. Nice people from what I've read. Yup, it "cleans out your system" and you will lose weight. Consuming nothing but cayenne pepper, water, lemon juice and grade b maple syrup will definitively do that, no question. The ease in period is sensible, maybe not so much with the herbal laxative/salt water flush bit in the middle, and a sensible ease out for a complete fasting from food. A peice of free advice from your armchair physician, Dr Mocker: If you don't drop some pounds doing this, consult an actual physician, there is something quite wrong with your thyroid.
But what of your crappy energy, bringing you dooooooown, man?
There's hope for that, too!
There's quite the array of bracelets of various extractions, from copper to magnets; however my personal favorite this year is the Power Balance band. Even on their very sharply designed web site it dodges a direct self asked question of "how does the hologram work?" with a reference to "several Eastern Philosophies". While I am more studied then most on more then a few "Eastern Philosophies", it buggers my mind as to which ones say anything about a silicon band with a chuck of shiny shit plastic in it actually is mentioned. Buddha? no. Tao? uh-uh. Confusious! He.. ah, didn't mention such a thing... um, crap.. is this an obscure Shinto thought process? Yeah, um, NO.
The energy that is being balanced by this neoprene or silicone band ( 30 bucks) or perhaps a pendant (zinc or silicon 30 bucks) or for the elegant and extra gullible, the sterling silver (80 bucks) is YOUR OWN MENTAL PROCESS. This is Dumbo's magic feather. You knew that didn't really help Dumbo when you were 6, he needed to believe in himself; and now as an adult you've forgotten that and you're 80 bucks poorer to get your own magic feather.
As for Cleansing, if 9-14 days of an eating disorder gives you the mental grit/starting block to start over, cool. Just don't pay for the illusion that your body needs "cleansing" in the first place. It does a damn good job of its own accord if you stop dumping garbage into it. 9 days isn 't going to undo 2 months of self abuse. In fact, the body is so good at eliminating most toxins, that they have a medical terms for when that doesn't happen: organ failure.
Here's my free cleanse regimen: coffee with soy milk, handle of bourbon, brown rice, salad, gallon of water per day, rinse, repeat for a month. Obviously, lay low on the booze if it's one of your "toxins". Give yourself a good salt scrub every week for a month.
Disclaimer: I, Baltimocker do not endorse any of the above products. If you need shiny crap to be your magic feather, make your own. There's a very nice little occult store in Hampden that sells "worry stones" that are much less obvious then a tacky pendant or wristband. They also sell very good incense for your environment, both physical and mental.
Above all, don't let someone sell you your own goals.
Balti-Mocker
Why?
This city is far too ridiculous to ignore, that's why.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Friday, December 31, 2010
Happy Amatuer Night! (or new years for adults)
Our buddy over at the Baltimore sun, Erik " My curfew is 11pm" Maza has been pimping every bar that is staying open tonight past 2 am, which to the best of my lack of willing to care, is all of them.
The lads and ladies at Todd Connor's are pulling a hellacious 40 straight hours open, may the powers of goodness protect them from the will of drunk stupid.
I don't do NYE. NO THANK YOU. Hell, this is one of the days of the year when i generally don't even drink, or does it cross my mind. I dig being all against the grain like that.
Here's why:
The lads and ladies at Todd Connor's are pulling a hellacious 40 straight hours open, may the powers of goodness protect them from the will of drunk stupid.
I don't do NYE. NO THANK YOU. Hell, this is one of the days of the year when i generally don't even drink, or does it cross my mind. I dig being all against the grain like that.
Here's why:
- People that generally do not drink much or at all get plastered, plowed, shellacked, seven sheets to the wind or what ever euphemism for a high BAC you wish to use. Being a good drunk is like every other skill; the less you practice it, the worse you are at it. This results in bars filled with grope-y fight-y some neighborhoods stabby/shooty moody drunks. Also know as dangerous.
- The cops are out. They wish they were out drinking and begrudge everyone else who gets to do as they would wish. This is bad. Littering fines get written, hauls for drunk and disorderly are high, and yes THEY ARE LOOKING FOR DRUNK DRIVERS. Fuck up in the least even if you're sober, and you're getting pulled over. You could get a speeding ticket for 10 miles over, but hey, it was 11 miles over, and you're going to get the more expensive ticket.
- Drunk Drivers. Yeah, for every person they catch, they're about 10 they don't. Recent article has one in ten drivers admitting to it in the last year, and that's only the people that admit to it.
- So, you're going to be "good" and take mass transit or a cab, right? Well, again, that's bullocks. Baltimore mass transit is only running until 2 am. Tipsy taxi has a tendency to take 45 minutes, not show at all or charge you anyway from oft repeated anecdote.
- Crowds. Crowdy crowds filled with people you wouldn't like sober, much less drunk off their face.
- Cost. Even a deal isn't one tonight; crappy watered down drinks, and germy thrice warmed over buffet, unless you have a spare 200 bucks a head to do better.
- Recite the above to your friends, get them to come over instead. The smaller your place, the better.
- Go to the liquor store.. figure out what you need, and get twice as much. This is important.
- Go to the grocery store, get frozen snack food, pizza and entrees. The most vile cheap stuff you can stomach.
- Get home, turn the oven on to 250 degrees, put frozen crap in there. Right about now, at least 1/4 of the people you invited should be knocking on the door. Immediately crack open some bottles. Yup, the new year is 10 hours away, but you need to start now.
- Have one sober/ very light drinking person. This will be your "bartender" for the evening.
- Long about 5, your 2pm crew should be on the edge of knackered, and half of your guests show up at this time.
- Move the party into the second smallest room of your abode. It MUST be authentically crowded.
- As everyone proceeds to drink, they talk louder; be sure to turn the music up accordingly.
- 8 pm, serve that crap that's been in the oven for six hours. Greet the last 1/4 of your guests.
- Be sure to bring up sore topics with at least three of your 2 pm crew. Job loss, impending divorce, and the declining state of the environment are good ones. Grab two with opposite political views and rope them together in said topic conversation.
- Move the party into the smallest room of the house, probably the bathroom
- Behold the authentic mess you've created. If you remember ( and your "bartender" probably will) to do the 10, 9 , 8 countdown.
- For added reality, take ALL the cash out of your guests wallets, and randomly misplace their credit cards under and in furniture. Burn their cash, or hell, give it to the sober friend, they've earned it by now.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
And the bodies pile up.
After all, it is Thanksgiving. There's a large chunk of former cow on the counter as I write. No worries, just a brown rice rosemary risotto for "dinner" ( eaten at 2pm.. whose cracked out idea was this tradition?)
"oh, have some meat, it's a holiday" Oh, please.. last time I ate meat, much less the fat laden cut that is prime rib, it fought a semi futile battle to come back to visit. Gee, it's a holiday, let's spend it not only depressed, but battling nausea. How festive.
In the tradition of eating too damn much of things you shouldn't be, I'm having a couple baked potatoes with real butter, which for some reason is not nearly "buttery" enough for my taste. Solution: add more salt. Ta-Da! Everything still tastes vaguely of soap, but I'm pretty sure it's just my imagination. Or in combination that i just bit my lip with such astonishing savagery that it didn't hurt initially, just the creep in pain.
Now begins the Month of "Ugh".. birthdays, Christmas, new year.
So to buoy your spirits from the commercialism of the season, a few fun facts:
Until quite recently, most holiday music was recorded in July, because studio time was cheaper then, due to most acts that could tour, were. Also, slogging gear in the heat is far better then in the cold. Ah, before the days of digital day's turn around, when the best you could work with was one of those new flanged four track machines. Yup, it's easy to be jazzed about a holiday that's 5 months away, especially when a hit could be paying your bills for the new year.
Thanksgiving is National Domestic Violence Prevention Day.. s woman, get back in that kitchen. I think that's just a Face Book rumor, though. Of all days to pick a fight, the day when there are multiple pots of boiling water and sharp knives at the lady of the house's disposal seems particularly unwise.
December 1st is the birthday of many great and talented folk, my favorite being one Jaco Pastorius. Portrait of Tracy is my favorite, and a solo bass piece. Go listen if you don't know it by heart. It's also World Aids Day, so go wear a red ribbon and pretend you give a shit. Oh, c'mon, admitting that you don't every other day of the year is the first step, you thoughtless bastard. Kidding... sort of.
(C)Hanukkah starts that night, nice and early. All done on the 9th, plenty of time to exchange the gifts you really didn't want in the first place. Give the gift that says "i really don't know you very well at all!"- the gift card!
2nd: National Fritters Day. Fried food, not to waste time
3rd: International Day of The Disabled Person. Which one, I'm not sure,but i hope they enjoy it in a mighty fashion.
4th: Wear Brown Shoes Day. Does burgundy count? How about Oxblood? That kind of brownish. Otherwise, I'm out for this one being that i have no brown shoes.
5th: Happy Birthday to Walt Disney.. the man who hated children and made a mint off of them anyway
6th: National Mitten Tree Day. When all of the mittens you'll lose during the year are ready to be harvested from their stems. Also Ira Gershwin's birthday
7th: Pearl Harbor day, also my paternal grandfather's birthday. Pretty much like how having your birthday on Sept 11th is today. Also Cotton Candy day, nothing takes the sting out like a sugar buzz.
8th: Take it in the Ear Day (not making this up, I researched this!) Inflict upon yourselves the crappiest tunes you can think of, or just turn on the radio for more Christmas music. Also National Brownie Day. Helpful hint, if offered ones with green bits in them, it's most likely not pine needles. Seriously improves neighbor's question taste in decoration, or at least how you feel about them.
9th: National Pastry Day. Yeah, like you didn't get enough yesterday, there, fatty.
10th: 15 days to continue to lie to small children about them being interesting enough to have a stalker that will bring them things that they want. Nobel prizes are awarded today, and it's World Human Rights Day. Per the course,Liu Xiaobo will not be attending.
11th: National Noodle Ring Day, for they of you too cheap to get a real one to propose with, this is your day! Also unofficial "Icepack on a backhanded face day"
12th: National Ding-a-Ling Day Get in on some Chuck Berry that isn't "Run, Run Rudolph" and Poinsetta day, which are not actually poisonous, just sort of gross tasting.
13th: National Ice Creams and Violins Day; also National Cocoa Day. You're probably wondering if that noodle ring would get you dumped, well, you're right. Today's your day, buddy. Either that or they don't feel like buying you an Xmas gift because it's not worth it. Sulking encouraged, get to it.
14th: South Pole discovered, Santa obviously really does live at the North Pole. A Happy Birthday to Nostradamus, who's been tweaking people out with his predictions for 455 years.
15th: Boston Tea Party, 1773. Probably irritates them that a bunch of ingrates have infringed on their cultural copyright. Please haunt them mightily this day.
16th: National Anything Covered In Chocolate Day. Helpful hint: a chocolate noodle ring isn't going to work, genius.
17th: Underdog day and Maple Syrup Day. Even defeat tastes better with maple syrup, not that crap with maple flavoring. Don't be that guy that can't even fail the right way.
18th: National Roast Suckling Pig day, while you're at it, carve some off, put on salad the right way, as it's also Ty Cobb's birthday. Bad temper, fantastic baseball player, and rather particular about his $%^& salad, thank you very much. ( not really, named by a different Cobb)
19th: Oatmeal Muffin Day. You've been eating nothing but crap since Thanksgiving, give your colon the gift of fiber. Being called a constipated asshole should be a defamatory snipe, not a medical diagnoses.
20th: 5 more days of this commercial pine scented hell. Happy Birthday to Alan Parsons.
Everyone from here on in is used to getting crappy birthday AND Christmas presents because people are cheap and thoughtless.
21st: Happy SOLSTICE!! Look on the bright side day, National Flashlight Day, being the darkest day of the year, you might need one
22nd: Joe Strummer of the Clash died. National Date-nut Bread Day ( not date-a-nut, that's every day, and stop picking through my garbage.)
23rd: Roots Day, as in to celebrate them. If you'd rather not thinking of the freaks you'll be stuck with in two days, may I suggest the miniseries a la Alex Haley or an oven full of parsnips and carrots?
24th: National Egg Nog Day. Unofficial "Get WAY too Drunk and Go to Church Day" It's almost done. The shiny commercial crap is measured in hours, now. The light at the end of the tunnel is the Christmas train.
25th: National Disappointed Child Day. Sorry, kid, Santa did check his list twice, and you're still a little brat. Better luck next time.
26th: Boxing Day in the more civilized parts of the world. National Whiners Day, also know as "Be a dick at the mall returning things you didn't need in the first place" Day. This is why Santa got you NOTHING; that and insisting on locking your doors.
"oh, have some meat, it's a holiday" Oh, please.. last time I ate meat, much less the fat laden cut that is prime rib, it fought a semi futile battle to come back to visit. Gee, it's a holiday, let's spend it not only depressed, but battling nausea. How festive.
In the tradition of eating too damn much of things you shouldn't be, I'm having a couple baked potatoes with real butter, which for some reason is not nearly "buttery" enough for my taste. Solution: add more salt. Ta-Da! Everything still tastes vaguely of soap, but I'm pretty sure it's just my imagination. Or in combination that i just bit my lip with such astonishing savagery that it didn't hurt initially, just the creep in pain.
Now begins the Month of "Ugh".. birthdays, Christmas, new year.
So to buoy your spirits from the commercialism of the season, a few fun facts:
Until quite recently, most holiday music was recorded in July, because studio time was cheaper then, due to most acts that could tour, were. Also, slogging gear in the heat is far better then in the cold. Ah, before the days of digital day's turn around, when the best you could work with was one of those new flanged four track machines. Yup, it's easy to be jazzed about a holiday that's 5 months away, especially when a hit could be paying your bills for the new year.
Thanksgiving is National Domestic Violence Prevention Day.. s woman, get back in that kitchen. I think that's just a Face Book rumor, though. Of all days to pick a fight, the day when there are multiple pots of boiling water and sharp knives at the lady of the house's disposal seems particularly unwise.
December 1st is the birthday of many great and talented folk, my favorite being one Jaco Pastorius. Portrait of Tracy is my favorite, and a solo bass piece. Go listen if you don't know it by heart. It's also World Aids Day, so go wear a red ribbon and pretend you give a shit. Oh, c'mon, admitting that you don't every other day of the year is the first step, you thoughtless bastard. Kidding... sort of.
(C)Hanukkah starts that night, nice and early. All done on the 9th, plenty of time to exchange the gifts you really didn't want in the first place. Give the gift that says "i really don't know you very well at all!"- the gift card!
2nd: National Fritters Day. Fried food, not to waste time
3rd: International Day of The Disabled Person. Which one, I'm not sure,but i hope they enjoy it in a mighty fashion.
4th: Wear Brown Shoes Day. Does burgundy count? How about Oxblood? That kind of brownish. Otherwise, I'm out for this one being that i have no brown shoes.
5th: Happy Birthday to Walt Disney.. the man who hated children and made a mint off of them anyway
6th: National Mitten Tree Day. When all of the mittens you'll lose during the year are ready to be harvested from their stems. Also Ira Gershwin's birthday
7th: Pearl Harbor day, also my paternal grandfather's birthday. Pretty much like how having your birthday on Sept 11th is today. Also Cotton Candy day, nothing takes the sting out like a sugar buzz.
8th: Take it in the Ear Day (not making this up, I researched this!) Inflict upon yourselves the crappiest tunes you can think of, or just turn on the radio for more Christmas music. Also National Brownie Day. Helpful hint, if offered ones with green bits in them, it's most likely not pine needles. Seriously improves neighbor's question taste in decoration, or at least how you feel about them.
9th: National Pastry Day. Yeah, like you didn't get enough yesterday, there, fatty.
10th: 15 days to continue to lie to small children about them being interesting enough to have a stalker that will bring them things that they want. Nobel prizes are awarded today, and it's World Human Rights Day. Per the course,Liu Xiaobo will not be attending.
11th: National Noodle Ring Day, for they of you too cheap to get a real one to propose with, this is your day! Also unofficial "Icepack on a backhanded face day"
12th: National Ding-a-Ling Day Get in on some Chuck Berry that isn't "Run, Run Rudolph" and Poinsetta day, which are not actually poisonous, just sort of gross tasting.
13th: National Ice Creams and Violins Day; also National Cocoa Day. You're probably wondering if that noodle ring would get you dumped, well, you're right. Today's your day, buddy. Either that or they don't feel like buying you an Xmas gift because it's not worth it. Sulking encouraged, get to it.
14th: South Pole discovered, Santa obviously really does live at the North Pole. A Happy Birthday to Nostradamus, who's been tweaking people out with his predictions for 455 years.
15th: Boston Tea Party, 1773. Probably irritates them that a bunch of ingrates have infringed on their cultural copyright. Please haunt them mightily this day.
16th: National Anything Covered In Chocolate Day. Helpful hint: a chocolate noodle ring isn't going to work, genius.
17th: Underdog day and Maple Syrup Day. Even defeat tastes better with maple syrup, not that crap with maple flavoring. Don't be that guy that can't even fail the right way.
18th: National Roast Suckling Pig day, while you're at it, carve some off, put on salad the right way, as it's also Ty Cobb's birthday. Bad temper, fantastic baseball player, and rather particular about his $%^& salad, thank you very much. ( not really, named by a different Cobb)
19th: Oatmeal Muffin Day. You've been eating nothing but crap since Thanksgiving, give your colon the gift of fiber. Being called a constipated asshole should be a defamatory snipe, not a medical diagnoses.
20th: 5 more days of this commercial pine scented hell. Happy Birthday to Alan Parsons.
Everyone from here on in is used to getting crappy birthday AND Christmas presents because people are cheap and thoughtless.
21st: Happy SOLSTICE!! Look on the bright side day, National Flashlight Day, being the darkest day of the year, you might need one
22nd: Joe Strummer of the Clash died. National Date-nut Bread Day ( not date-a-nut, that's every day, and stop picking through my garbage.)
23rd: Roots Day, as in to celebrate them. If you'd rather not thinking of the freaks you'll be stuck with in two days, may I suggest the miniseries a la Alex Haley or an oven full of parsnips and carrots?
24th: National Egg Nog Day. Unofficial "Get WAY too Drunk and Go to Church Day" It's almost done. The shiny commercial crap is measured in hours, now. The light at the end of the tunnel is the Christmas train.
25th: National Disappointed Child Day. Sorry, kid, Santa did check his list twice, and you're still a little brat. Better luck next time.
26th: Boxing Day in the more civilized parts of the world. National Whiners Day, also know as "Be a dick at the mall returning things you didn't need in the first place" Day. This is why Santa got you NOTHING; that and insisting on locking your doors.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Home Chores and Repair Credo
I will show no fear, and look up the unfamiliar on the interwebs, for they are will be the master craftsman to guide me.
Materials I will assemble before beginning, for treading into the garage often makes for an unhappy spirit.
I will stop before they who I would have to pay to fix it would advise me to buy a new one, instead.
Neigh, i will not give up, merely give over myself to think over coffee.
Proper precautions will be taken to avoid the shame of the emergency room, yet not to the extent of dweebitude.
Chemicals are my friend, but only fleeting and not to be relied upon in lieu of physical labor. Such is the path of the unworthy.
When all else fails, I will swear in the language of my forebears until compliance hath been wrought, for they hear me, and have probably had to do this before.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Woman, clean my house.
The idiots at Clorox commissioned a study of Latin women about holidays and the cleaning associated thereof; because you know, those wacky hot blooded ladies LOVE to clean.
I come from a hysterical holiday cleaning family, but um, we're not Latin, at all; to the best of my knowledge. People clean when they have company. Hell, I do it. Perhaps not bleaching every surface, but I'll be damned if I let my house look like Omega Kappa Flithi if I have more then 30 minutes notice.
Way to piss off 2/3 of the people that are your market share: women AND people of Latin descent. Let's see the Mac/IBM duo for Clorox on their hands and knees scrubbing down a kitchen floor. "Only a real man has a house this clean!" The again, I once asked my mother why my father didn't help clean. Turns out before my brother or I turned up, he mixed Clorox and ammonia together in a closed bathroom to scrub the floor. Yeah, she found him out cold, because for they that don't know this, that combination releases chlorine gas. Chlorine gas was used as one of the first chemical weapons, a la WWI and banned by the Geneva Protocol.
Another cute point brought up by the study: Those chicks like some music while they clean! Oh for christssakes, doesn't everyone? It's a mind numbing, tedious, time consuming chore, along the lines of painting or filing. Only the extraordinarily simple need to focus in silence to get this done. Maybe, it would have been better if Diageo had sponsered a study to see how many people like a knock back a few while they cook, clean, paint or do yard work.
Yes, Clorox, EVERYONE does pretty much the same thing, the same way during the same time of year. What a revelation of sociology you have on your hands; thank you for shedding light on our human condition.
I come from a hysterical holiday cleaning family, but um, we're not Latin, at all; to the best of my knowledge. People clean when they have company. Hell, I do it. Perhaps not bleaching every surface, but I'll be damned if I let my house look like Omega Kappa Flithi if I have more then 30 minutes notice.
Way to piss off 2/3 of the people that are your market share: women AND people of Latin descent. Let's see the Mac/IBM duo for Clorox on their hands and knees scrubbing down a kitchen floor. "Only a real man has a house this clean!" The again, I once asked my mother why my father didn't help clean. Turns out before my brother or I turned up, he mixed Clorox and ammonia together in a closed bathroom to scrub the floor. Yeah, she found him out cold, because for they that don't know this, that combination releases chlorine gas. Chlorine gas was used as one of the first chemical weapons, a la WWI and banned by the Geneva Protocol.
Another cute point brought up by the study: Those chicks like some music while they clean! Oh for christssakes, doesn't everyone? It's a mind numbing, tedious, time consuming chore, along the lines of painting or filing. Only the extraordinarily simple need to focus in silence to get this done. Maybe, it would have been better if Diageo had sponsered a study to see how many people like a knock back a few while they cook, clean, paint or do yard work.
Yes, Clorox, EVERYONE does pretty much the same thing, the same way during the same time of year. What a revelation of sociology you have on your hands; thank you for shedding light on our human condition.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Ask the Mocker
So, i've been long amused/bemused/irritated with most advice columns. So, give it to me! ask me a question. I double dog dare you. ( still too warm in the burg to stick to a flag pole, so you're safe-ish)
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
"Move it, Aunt Bea, I gotta life to lead"
Oh grocery store, necessary evil of everyone that doesn't live in a food desert.
So, like the people I generally seek not to be, i was in a touch of a rush. Not my usual grocery, either, and that works against you every time along with " oh, while you're there could you get...." AAAAARRRRRRRRGH.
I've never considered myself a truly quick walker, but i do okay. I pass the same three separate women not once, or twice but THREE TIMES. The hell? The labels do not read themselves to you. Get what you need and MOVE IT. One of the women was blocking me for a good 2 minutes in the dairy isle in front of the cottage cheese. WAITING WAITING. By the looks of her, I’m guessing it probably goes on top of a double order of General Tso's deep fried everything to go. Honey, is that a Jabba the Hut slug slime trail or are your shoes crying? Group two is two women shopping together, but i'm guessing by their chattering and slow movement, they actually share the same brain. Let us not gloss over that one of them is rocking the cutesy cartoon cart, yet her young son is not in the cart but ALSO in the way. He wandering around, pleasant and quiet ( bonus points for you, kid. Don't be like mommy.), however out of line of sight. I mutter none too quietly, "Yup, that's how kids disappear" Due to Mommy not being in any form near, i'm saved a dirty look, because she's too far away to hear me.
I get to the deli counter and have the first non irritating encounter thus far. I have two deli guys to myself, rattle off my order, they ask the standard appropriate questions ( what sort of turkey? natural or plain? Plain. what sort of Swiss cheese? Domestic, cheap)
They're both pretty funny, obviously a little stoned, but frankly if you're working deli counter at night, DO IT. Funny vignette from my new single serving friends " Y'know there's this guy that works here, Master's in Sociology and Substance Abuse Counseling.. and he works here. Yeah man, he drinks." Aw, quiet the ladies’ man, i say with a smirk. "And he lives with three cats." God, gin and cat piss.. sign me up! I'll pass his number around like Pez! You guys ever get the milk maids that are looking for the freshest milk in the case even though they all came in on the same shipment and have the same date?" Yeah, we get those, but not as funny as the ones standing in front of the milk asking where the milk is! " They laughed pretty hard, hope i brightened their evening, though well, cleaning the slicer at the end of the night has to be a drag.
Almost done, the home stretch... get me out of here.
To the cracker isle! The stock vendor guy is refilling and grooming the isles, and naturally what i need is right in front of him, he surrounded three deep with cases.
"could you hand me a box of the saltines, the Krispys?" He blinks for a moment, not out of a lack of comprehension, but the slow shock of politeness. poor fucker. Yup, didn't get in his way or be a rude asshat... this is familiar, but not for this setting. A slow smile of "okay i get it, you must be a secret shopper" crosses his face.
Don't worry, man, i say, i know most people are probably dicks to you. An ever so slight glimmer of relief in his eye. I relate the cankled isle obstacles, and lo, i have made another single serving friend.
DONE I AM DONE!!! TO THE CHECKOUT!
And guess who's in front of me.. half of the borg-like cartoon cart crew. DAMNNIT. Yes, i am smug in the crap she is feeding herself and her probably soon to be kidnapped child, not so much that we're all paying for it. Look, life is hard, and sometimes you have to do what you have to do, including being on WIC when there's a kid in the house that needs to eat. PUT DOWN THE SHIT SNACK FOOD. DO IT NOW. god, this is why i don't own a gun. I'd be a freelance superhero, and probably spend a lot of time in jail as a result. And apparently one cannot use a WIC voucher for over a certain amount, so there's processing three of the bastards for one order.
Is there a minor god or goddess i could implore for help to speed this line up? Rita is the one for POS cars, couch change and parking spots. Who to ask? Considering i make this up as i go along because really, that's all any religion is, making up stuff to keep your mind off of things you can't control, albeit generally agreed upon by people from the same small tribe that has exploded along with the world population. Yeah, man, i like that story. Cool, just give me about 10, 15% of your yearly earnings, and I'll call you a member.
The time has come, i meet my checkout chick. I have a certain weakness: i am compulsively funny/nice with/to people that work with the general public. I have to be, as the small glimmering sliver of my soul that still doesn't hate EVERY person on the planet knows that sometime today, or perhaps week, if they are quite lucky; this person in front of me will be subjected to an oxygen stealer who will try to run their day for no other reason then it can be done, as they have no means to tell the virus with shoes to go fuck themselves, leave them alone or avoid the situation.
Yup, got a cool one, which is better then the older ladies i sometimes get who are trying to think of what flavor of cat food they'll try tonight, because really, their life has gotten to the point where that's all it's worth to them to bother with.
I miss Walter, my check out dude who transferred to Towson, to get the hell away from the garden of delightful acrylic nailed MAC counter hell harpies that populate certain outlying now urbanized spots. You know that type. They return opened meat packages to the grocery store with half of it gone. They quibble over a 10 cent price increase from the last time they were in while waving a pointed finger, on a hand that has a ring worth more then my car. The crux of their joyless lives is screwing with people "who don't matter" and mindless consumerism. Oh, they're real, people, it's not a stereotype. They have nested in the hinterlands much like an outcropping of succubae, coasting into to their roost on leathery bat wings, bags a plenty clutched in their French tip claws. Once i had a friend whose mother, sadly was one of them. Whole bedroom filled with shopping bags of things bought, but never used, tags still on. Walter in his polite snark, could no longer tolerate these she beasts will his usual dry humor. He's not the only one to flee, but i miss him. The man can talk smack about anything, from the Ravens player who was rude to children to American Apparel ads.
Overall, my single serving friends, the only one i got the name of, being well, she was wearing a name tag made my trip rather pleasant. Never again on a Wenesday night at the grocery. NEVER. I'd rather Saturday morning with screaming children, because at least a harried mother is an efficient person. Avoiding the scorn of strangers is an effective motivator.
So, like the people I generally seek not to be, i was in a touch of a rush. Not my usual grocery, either, and that works against you every time along with " oh, while you're there could you get...." AAAAARRRRRRRRGH.
I've never considered myself a truly quick walker, but i do okay. I pass the same three separate women not once, or twice but THREE TIMES. The hell? The labels do not read themselves to you. Get what you need and MOVE IT. One of the women was blocking me for a good 2 minutes in the dairy isle in front of the cottage cheese. WAITING WAITING. By the looks of her, I’m guessing it probably goes on top of a double order of General Tso's deep fried everything to go. Honey, is that a Jabba the Hut slug slime trail or are your shoes crying? Group two is two women shopping together, but i'm guessing by their chattering and slow movement, they actually share the same brain. Let us not gloss over that one of them is rocking the cutesy cartoon cart, yet her young son is not in the cart but ALSO in the way. He wandering around, pleasant and quiet ( bonus points for you, kid. Don't be like mommy.), however out of line of sight. I mutter none too quietly, "Yup, that's how kids disappear" Due to Mommy not being in any form near, i'm saved a dirty look, because she's too far away to hear me.
I get to the deli counter and have the first non irritating encounter thus far. I have two deli guys to myself, rattle off my order, they ask the standard appropriate questions ( what sort of turkey? natural or plain? Plain. what sort of Swiss cheese? Domestic, cheap)
They're both pretty funny, obviously a little stoned, but frankly if you're working deli counter at night, DO IT. Funny vignette from my new single serving friends " Y'know there's this guy that works here, Master's in Sociology and Substance Abuse Counseling.. and he works here. Yeah man, he drinks." Aw, quiet the ladies’ man, i say with a smirk. "And he lives with three cats." God, gin and cat piss.. sign me up! I'll pass his number around like Pez! You guys ever get the milk maids that are looking for the freshest milk in the case even though they all came in on the same shipment and have the same date?" Yeah, we get those, but not as funny as the ones standing in front of the milk asking where the milk is! " They laughed pretty hard, hope i brightened their evening, though well, cleaning the slicer at the end of the night has to be a drag.
Almost done, the home stretch... get me out of here.
To the cracker isle! The stock vendor guy is refilling and grooming the isles, and naturally what i need is right in front of him, he surrounded three deep with cases.
"could you hand me a box of the saltines, the Krispys?" He blinks for a moment, not out of a lack of comprehension, but the slow shock of politeness. poor fucker. Yup, didn't get in his way or be a rude asshat... this is familiar, but not for this setting. A slow smile of "okay i get it, you must be a secret shopper" crosses his face.
Don't worry, man, i say, i know most people are probably dicks to you. An ever so slight glimmer of relief in his eye. I relate the cankled isle obstacles, and lo, i have made another single serving friend.
DONE I AM DONE!!! TO THE CHECKOUT!
And guess who's in front of me.. half of the borg-like cartoon cart crew. DAMNNIT. Yes, i am smug in the crap she is feeding herself and her probably soon to be kidnapped child, not so much that we're all paying for it. Look, life is hard, and sometimes you have to do what you have to do, including being on WIC when there's a kid in the house that needs to eat. PUT DOWN THE SHIT SNACK FOOD. DO IT NOW. god, this is why i don't own a gun. I'd be a freelance superhero, and probably spend a lot of time in jail as a result. And apparently one cannot use a WIC voucher for over a certain amount, so there's processing three of the bastards for one order.
Is there a minor god or goddess i could implore for help to speed this line up? Rita is the one for POS cars, couch change and parking spots. Who to ask? Considering i make this up as i go along because really, that's all any religion is, making up stuff to keep your mind off of things you can't control, albeit generally agreed upon by people from the same small tribe that has exploded along with the world population. Yeah, man, i like that story. Cool, just give me about 10, 15% of your yearly earnings, and I'll call you a member.
The time has come, i meet my checkout chick. I have a certain weakness: i am compulsively funny/nice with/to people that work with the general public. I have to be, as the small glimmering sliver of my soul that still doesn't hate EVERY person on the planet knows that sometime today, or perhaps week, if they are quite lucky; this person in front of me will be subjected to an oxygen stealer who will try to run their day for no other reason then it can be done, as they have no means to tell the virus with shoes to go fuck themselves, leave them alone or avoid the situation.
Yup, got a cool one, which is better then the older ladies i sometimes get who are trying to think of what flavor of cat food they'll try tonight, because really, their life has gotten to the point where that's all it's worth to them to bother with.
I miss Walter, my check out dude who transferred to Towson, to get the hell away from the garden of delightful acrylic nailed MAC counter hell harpies that populate certain outlying now urbanized spots. You know that type. They return opened meat packages to the grocery store with half of it gone. They quibble over a 10 cent price increase from the last time they were in while waving a pointed finger, on a hand that has a ring worth more then my car. The crux of their joyless lives is screwing with people "who don't matter" and mindless consumerism. Oh, they're real, people, it's not a stereotype. They have nested in the hinterlands much like an outcropping of succubae, coasting into to their roost on leathery bat wings, bags a plenty clutched in their French tip claws. Once i had a friend whose mother, sadly was one of them. Whole bedroom filled with shopping bags of things bought, but never used, tags still on. Walter in his polite snark, could no longer tolerate these she beasts will his usual dry humor. He's not the only one to flee, but i miss him. The man can talk smack about anything, from the Ravens player who was rude to children to American Apparel ads.
Overall, my single serving friends, the only one i got the name of, being well, she was wearing a name tag made my trip rather pleasant. Never again on a Wenesday night at the grocery. NEVER. I'd rather Saturday morning with screaming children, because at least a harried mother is an efficient person. Avoiding the scorn of strangers is an effective motivator.
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